It's a Human Thing

I have been reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and she has a funny way of saying exactly what my heart needs to hear, and her words definitely get my wheels turning. There is a world of insecurities out there and not a single one of us is exempt from them, men and women alike. I think often times the word insecurity instantly causes us to think of females because society doesn't talk about men having those issues. Women are seen as the unstable ones (and honestly, how can we not be with all the media out there plastering covers with skinny, airbrushed models and filling our minds with so many lies, but that's a different post for another time).
I'll be honest with you, I've never really stopped to think about insecurities men might be facing, but, in a way, I think that it would be harder for them to deal with them since society pins men as being the stronger (and generally more sane of the two genders). I think both genders are equally targeted, but what is deemed an insecurity in women is termed a weakness in men. I think the fear of failure is one of the biggest insecurities that men tend to face. Society puts so much pressure on them to be the best, to succeed, to be competitive, to make money, to be all these things that, at times, are actually not attainable. We don't really give men room to work at things; it's either you do it right the first time or you've failed. If we think about it though, Christ had to attempt something twice, not necessarily because he failed (he's perfect so failing isn't exactly something he's capable of!), but maybe because he was showing us that you don't always have to get things right the first time. Things may need perfecting and that can take time.
Mark 8 speaks about the blind man at Bethsaida. Not much is known about the man except that he is blind, and quite possibly has been all of his life. His friends bring him to Jesus and requests that He touch him. Jesus chose to led the man out of the village to heal him. He spit on the man's eyes and touched them and asked him "Do you see anything?" Now, we all know that Jesus is perfectly capable of healing; he rose Lazarus from the dead! But, the man doesn't reply that he saw people; he says that he saw people that "look like trees walking around." Jesus wasn't exactly okay with that result so he placed his hands on the man's eyes again, and this time the Bible says his sight was "restored, and he saw everything clearly." Clearly and like are not synonyms. They are two different words meaning two different things. Jesus didn't fail at healing; I like to think that this passage is here to remind us that not everything has to be done right the first time.
I don't really know the exact point of why I'm writing this, and I suppose that you could draw out quite a few points to take away. For me, it's just a reminder that not a single one of us on this earth has it together. Some may seem like they are free of insecurities and fears, but if we take the time to get to know them, those things will peek through their hard shell. We are all human. We all struggle with issues that plague our mind everyday. Some of us indulge in them and wallow in self-pity while others try everything in their power to fight them, but it's not our own strength that will bring healing to them. Only Christ's strength can provide an end and true healing. After all, he is the only person to endure all temptations but not give into them.

Plans

I can honestly say that being patient is not my strong suit. I don't like having to wait for other people. Waiting for things to happen that I think should be well underway is something I despise. Life is a waiting game, and I'm losing more often than not.
I have plans for my life. I have plan A and B, and I have even thought about C just in case the other two go awry. I know how each of them will play out and what my role will be in them. Yes, there are some points along all three paths that are a little fuzzy simply because I know that I cannot fully plan out everything. I don't know for a fact where I will be in a year or who will be in my life, but I have a pretty good inkling.
If I was a little smarter, I would realize that my plan has never worked out in the past. I have always had to instate back up plans and rework kinks. This life that I am living has yet to go like I thought it would, and as I sit here typing my thoughts, I am realizing, again, that all my plans were selfishly planned out. I wasn't including God or his plan for me. I wasn't consulting him to find out what he might think about it all (if I had, I would've been reminded that planning out my life is not my job).
God's given me desires and passions to reach people, but to be honest, I'm scared to do so because I so easily take hold of the reins and begin down the path that appears quick and easy. I am so easily distracted off the path that God has lain out for me. I see something that I want relatively close to my reach and I sprint toward it.
My impatience and desire to control things kills me. In my head I realize the affects they have on me, but my heart keeps insisting that I move forward.
This waiting game that I feel I am playing is probably largely my fault. If I would just sit still and wait on God to unfold things, I would be farther along than I am. Who knows, maybe I would be living out one of my plans.
I've often thought about working with young girls. There is something so important about having someone to talk to about anything and everything when you are in junior high, and even high school. I cannot even begin to explain just how important it was for me. Without my junior high youth leader, I probably would've been more lost than I was. When you find a person who can hug you and make you melt or who can read your emotions by one little glance, hold onto them because they are a true gift from God. I want to be that for another person. I want to express to them the importance of their life. I want to inform them that their opinions and dreams do matter. I want young girls to know that there is more to life than looking pretty and getting attention. I want them to realize that they were put on this earth for a reason-and it's not just to make money or attract boys.
Maybe I've been playing what I see as the waiting game because God's not done preparing me for the next step. Maybe he has a plan that trumps any of mine...actually, I'm sure he does...but maybe my incessant attempts to make my plan work have been blinding me to the plan he is working to unfold right in front of my eyes. And, maybe that plan is to work with young girls, or maybe it's something entirely different. Whatever it is, I know that it will be the time of my life because God isn't in the game to let me down. He's not out to disappoint me. His plan will be far better than any I've thought up. I just need to remember that no matter how many plans I create, they will foil without his hand in them.

Antsy and Restless

Do you ever just want to get out, start over, begin something new? Do you ever just crave a drastic change?
I do. I often get to be antsy and restless. I want to do something new and exciting. I want to travel. Man do I ever want to travel, and not just to different states...though my goal is to visit every one, I mean countries. I want to see Italy, Ireland, England, Japan, India, more of Africa, Scotland, and the list goes on and on. I want to walk streets and rub shoulders with people who are of another culture and speak a different language but still share the familiarity of laughter and smiles. I want to see sights and eat foods and smell smells that are not familiar to me. Not only do I want to travel, but I want to travel with a purpose far beyond my human desire to explore. I want to touch hearts and lives.
I want to learn new things. I've dabbled with the idea of going back to school, but the thought terrifies me to the core. I want to join culinary school, take photography classes, get my massage license, and maybe even get a business management degree. There are so many things that spark my interest, and they are swirling around in my head causing my mind to become dizzy.
I'm a dreamer, what can I say?! But, I don't want my dreams to just be far and unreachable. I want them to come true. I want to accomplish some of them...maybe even all of them.
I don't enjoy being restless and scared to death at the same time. I don't know what to do with that combination. I pray often that God will show me my next adventure, but my impatience clouds my vision and fear puts up glass walls. I often wonder how God is going to use me. I don't know where I will be in a few months, but my desire is to be in the center of his will. He has opened my eyes to so many possibilities, and I don't doubt that he will continue to bring new things across my path. He has equipped my heart with all these dreams, and he is perfectly capable of making each of them come true if he sees fit. All I need to do is let go.

Happy Mother's Day...

Once a year we take time out to say thank you and show our appreciation to a group of women who if not for them we would not be who we are today.
I am not a mother, but I have played a similar role to so many children. The kids I take care of become like my own. When they fall and scrape their knee, I scoop them up to kiss their boo-boos. When they need to be punished, I swear it's harder on me than them. My heart breaks a little each time I lay them down for nap and hear them cry out my name as I shut the door. My heart leaps for joy when they run to hug me good-bye and cringes when they cry if I slip out the door before they get the chance to wrap their little arms around my waist. I think my face lights up just as much as theirs when I see them, and the list of these instances could go on for quite a few more sentences.
I feel all those things, and yet I am not a mother to any of them. How much more do their actual mothers feel those emotions. I wonder what each child will grow up to be. I ponder the abilities and characteristics that are slowly being molded in front of my eyes, and I like to speculate what each of those little bodies will one day accomplish. I fear for their souls. I fear that they will one day grow up and choose to listen to their own will instead of the one belonging to our Heavenly Father. I know that it is my responsibility to be a light to those tiny little hearts while I have my chance. How much more does a mother feel that?
I do not lie awake at night (unless doing an overnight) and listen to the rhythmic breathing (and possible snoring) of those tiny vessels. I do not lie awake at night as they get older and wonder what they are doing and why they are not home two minutes after curfew. A time comes when I do not worry about them anymore because the time has past for me to care for them. Time ages them and replaces the need for a nanny or babysitter, but time never replaces the need for a mother. Even when that mother's love is the one thing the child cannot seem to handle a mother loves and continues to love. When friends replace family and jobs cut into sit down Sunday dinners, when boyfriends and girlfriends become the number one priority and days off from school are spent with them rather than at home, when attitudes and independence begin to buck against the maternal instincts to protect and provide, a mother does not replace her love for her children. If anything, that love only grows stronger and deeper.
There is a special bond formed while child is still in the womb. It hears the voice of it's mother, and the mother is in tune with the child's movements. The mother-child bond only grows as the child does. Even when the child turns away from parental guidance and does things that strike fear in the heart of the very woman who endured the pain to birth them, that love is present, like the air that is breathed. It's unconditional.
I am so thankful for the mother that God gave me. The past 23 years she has loved me, and I know without a doubt that she will never stop loving me. No matter what I do, how I speak, where I go, what I try, she will love me. She has taught me so much about people- she is the reason I know as much as I do about children. She is the reason I love to bake. She is the reason I rearrange my furniture at least once a month. She is the reason I have a heart for people. She is the one who led me to Christ.
God blessed me with amazing parents, and on this Mother's Day (that is almost over) I want to thank her.
Thank you, Mom, for doing all that you do.... I love you....

a few months before I moved...

Christmas 2010

Beach 2012

Mom with some of her crew

Daily Battle

"I got this."
"I know what I'm doing."
"No worries, I know what I can and cannot handle."
"I'm stronger (or smarter) than you think."

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have thought one (if not all) of these statements at one point in my life. No matter how many times I fall flat on my face because I thought I knew what was best for me, I seem to always resemble a broken record that just keeps repeating the same thing over and over.
I rely on myself to get me through, to succeed, to obtain what I want.
I am so easily confident in my ability to take care of things that I forget the end result and consequences that came about from the previous attempt to go through with my own ideas and plans.
Maybe I have a hard head. Maybe I'm stubborn...okay, I will be honest, I am very stubborn. I don't like to do things because someone else thinks I should. I do things because I want to do them, and unfortunately, I like to do things that others warn me about simply so that I can prove a point that I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. When I put my mind to something, I tend to stick with it to the (often gruesome) end.
And what is the result, you may ask?
Well, much to my pride's dismay, I end up acknowledging my stubbornness and crawling back apologizing and admitting (sometimes through gritted teeth) that they were right.
Gosh, I really hate having to do that!
I suppose you could say that I have some pride issues to work on, but then again, what human doesn't? This world we live in is so caught up on being the best, succeeding in everything, outdoing the other person, no matter what the sacrifice, to make sure we look better. Our wants, our needs, our desires, our goals, our ambitions, our opinions are always better than the other person's no matter what other people say. Pride is thrown into our face each and every day that we walk this dying earth. And yet, we as believers, are to die to our wants, our needs, our desires, our goals. We are to take up our cross and follow our Savior and live as he lived. We are called to go against the grain, and my friend, it's not easy! Choosing to do things our own way, choosing to end up "better" than everyone else seems to be the easier choice in the beginning. Only after we get knee deep in our own muck do we realize just how much more difficult our prideful route is. We serve a God who experienced life on this earth. He suffered through all the things that seem to be unbearable. He was pressured to give into his own selfish desires. Opportunities to boast in his own abilities presented themselves each and everyday, but he chose humility.
He did not live a life full of pride. He lived the exact opposite. He humbled himself before men. He humbled himself to the point of washing his disciples' feet. He literally took the sandals off the feet of those who followed him and cleaned the dust and grime off of each heel and toe until they were clean. I'm sure some of those feet were smelly and calloused and torn, but that didn't stop him. He knew it was needed, and so he did it. He didn't take into consideration what others might think of him. He didn't stop to think about how it would affect his reputation. He simply served those who needed it.
So often I want to do things that will make myself look better. I want to be able to say that I have something someone doesn't. I have to remind myself daily that I don't know the answers to everything, that I am not capable of all things (on my own). I must remind myself that it is only by God's grace that I am even breathing, let alone able to accomplish things. I often fail at acknowledging my need for my Savior's guidance and strength. My ideas of how things should go trump my Savior's plan more often than I want to admit (pride talking again...).
Each day I must choose to lay down my pride and graciously follow His lead-it is the only route that does not end in failure.